It's been a long time...

So much as happened since my last post in 2009. I feel like I should recap.

Between then an now, I've gone back to school for a second degree, had a close family member pass away, and became a parent myself.

So where does that leave my dressing? I think I've filled all my free time with other things. Between school work and watching after a small child, I've had no period of time to really enjoy dressing like I did three years ago. I still get a chance here and there, but it's not the same. The effort level is very different. Before, I would ensure I was shaved, all the correct (and matching) foundation garments where on, and tried my best to put together a respectable outfit. Now, I throw on the first thing I see, and don't care if a "guy in a dress" is the only nice thing someone would say.

I still have a rather full closet of clothes. It still gets added to when I see a good deal, or something that looks really cute and I have to get it. But I think I'm talking myself out of a lot of stuff now. I can see where the fabric would not look good over my tummy.. or something that won't help the illusion of hips. It's saving me money, but I get frustrated when I don't have the chance to wear anything.


Now that I've posted in the first time in three years, I'll try to stay up on writing more. Thanks to all those that replied 3+ years ago. :)

So, what's next?

After the failed try of getting down to a size 16 by mid-March, I find myself asking "what's next?". I could give up, but the failure is helping me stick with the idea of getting in shape and slimming down. Last night, I made sure to drag myself to the elliptical and get in at least 30 minutes. I have many reasons why it's a good idea, from getting off high blood pressure meds to having more energy in general.. but the #1 reason that gets me to the machine is the fact that it's a tool to help me be able to shop in the misses sizes.

The "what's next?" line can also be applied to my therapy. At the end of the last session, the question came up. I feel like it's valid. I've gone from having general ideas to the personal questions I had, to a state of knowing the where the limits/balance are and gaining the confidence to explore outside of the house. Things at home have found that balance, so I really am asking myself what else therapy could help with. Feel free to leave a comment, if you have an idea.

In an effort to answer my own question, I think I've made up my mind to join a local support group. More on that as details unfold.

Failed; early

With only about 2 weeks left, I am 100% sure that I'm not going to reach my goal to get to a size 16. Looking back, I know my biggest problem is portion control.

Knowing that I didn't make, what could have been an easy goal, has me kinda bummed out. It's killed off what motivation and confidence I had gained in the last month. It's even affecting my thinking in regards to cleaning out my closet of clothes I bought but never wore. I'll probably do a mini-purge.

In an effort to cheer myself up, I did purchase new shoes. All of the black pumps I own are ill-fitting. I finally found a pair that look very nice on my feet, and they STAY on my feet when walking.

One of many things on my wishlist

These boots have caught my eye for well over a year.  

The price is right, but if I were to buy these, they would be my 6th pair of knee high boots.  I understand a girl can't have too many pairs of shoes/boots, but my problem is now storage.  I very much need to go through my closet and let some of these articles of clothing find new homes.

I'm also a fan of Mary Jane style pumps.  Not the type girls would wear to school, but the type that adds some style.  Something like this. 

But then again, closet space is an issue.. and I already have 4 pairs of this style. 

Oh, so close...

Today, was supposed to be a busy day.  Skipping out early from work to handle a follow-up doctor's appointment. (Turns out I have a huge deficiency in Vitamin D... so much so that I have to take 50,000 IU pills for the next 2 months.  There is a little voice that's comparing the lack of D, which prevents calcium from being absorbed into the bones, to problems older women face.)  After the appointment, I was planning on stopping over at a local unisex hair salon chain and boldly going in and saying I want a 'real' haircut and my eyebrows trimmed up.

When I say 'real' haircut, I'm not trying to say I've gone 30+ years without someone taking a pair of shears to my head.. but a haircut where I don't say, "Number 5 in the back and 3 on the sides/top".  I guess the correct way to describe it is.. a non-trimmer cut.

So I sat in the chair, trying my best to describe to this poor woman that I want to grow out my hair (again), but it's completely unmanagable and way too curly for me to maintain any length without it looking like a mess.  She tried hard to understand, but in the end got me down to just trimming the tops/sides, making my hairline at my neck more even/clean, and 10 minutes styling it to how I wished my hair looked each day.  I'm not sure when the next time I'll visit again, but I have this thought that I'm probably only going to be able to get away with a bob-like style.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.

You may also notice, I haven't said anything about the eyebrow trim.  Well, that's because I didn't get one.  But it wasn't really for lack of asking; I did ask.. but the girl in the front of the store, either didn't hear me, or was compeltely surprised that I asked for it, that she was confused.  I had to help her out, and just say "I want a haircut".  I still need the eyebrows trimmed, but not sure when I'll get over my fear and get them done.  My backup plan at the moment is to use some of my ELMA cream, from my laser removal treatments, and then go to town with tweezers.

Update - Feb11

Without this becoming an online diary for the diet/weightloss goals..  I figured I should report that the scale was used for the first time on Monday (2 days ago).

222 lbs.  That's a quite high value to start with, but I'm very much hoping that in a month, that could be knocked down to 210 at least.

More meaningful posts to come.   I promise.

Quick update

*sigh*  We all know how the winter can throw us some curve balls.

The dieting/weight loss has hit a bit of a bump, due to being busy with work/family and also battling a cold that just wouldn't stop.  When things looked promising, Mother Nature opted to throw temperatures in the single digits at us.

All those things are just excuses.  I've picked myself back up off the couch and renewed the push to get to 16 by mid-March.

Here's hoping it works.

Threat or Promise?

Call it what you will, but here's the first (of hopfully many) posts for 2009.

I don't have much time currently, but I wanted to get this in writing.  By mid-March, I'm going to drop 1.5 dress sizes.  It's been a long standing wish, which never seems to get traction, after disapointment from the scale.  This time however, if I write it down and it's SEEN.. then maybe it might help.

Since buying a smaller dress, would be somewhat of a wrong way of going about things.. I am going to pin 'success' on being able to fit into a dress I already have in my closet.  This dress is a misses size 18, and it's a small 18 at that.  If I can fit into it....  9 weeks... from now.. then you'll have a happy girl.

I'm coming back, I swear

I had almost forgotten about this blog, until I received a comment on an older post, a few days ago.

I don't have much time now, with the holiday coming up, but I promise to anyone that still reads this, or have stumbled upon it, that I will start writing again. 

Mail Order

Due to my inability to try on things in a store, most of my purchases have been through mail-order.

Not that there's anything wrong with it, but sometimes you're just not sure if you can pull off a look. And the long return times, if you finally get the item and realize you need a size difference or the color wasn't what you were hoping for.

But what really makes me unhappy at them is the false advertising they can get away with. I'm not a skinny girl. I have to make my purchases from the Women's sections. So places like Jessica London, Avenue, and Lane Bryant get most of my dollars. If you have seen the catalogs for Jessica London or Roman's, those models are NOT larger sizes. I hate that false impression thinking that an item of clothing will fit/look a certain way.

Also, shame on VS for not selling more XL or XXL items. :P

Hose

Ever since I can remember, I have been fascinated by pantyhose. Stockings and thigh-highs count. For some reason, fishnets never caught on. I think that's mostly because true fishnets have no material between the netting. I think I have a thing for the nylon.

I love seeing females in hose. Weather it be a nice dress or a business suit, I love the way the light reflects off the leg. I'm not a fan so much of going bare.. I wish the days of hose would come back, but seeing as how I wear them myself, I know how much a pain they can be. I'm also enjoy any lingerie outfit which looks better with stockings, as well.

New hair

Over the weekend, I purchased a new wig. The previous one, was bought so two could share (that was my reasoning to be allowed to make the purchase) but it didn't fit well. It also was long, straight, and dark auburn; not really looking correct on my head. The new one is the correct size, better cut, and brown fading into lighter ends. I'm hoping it looks much better on me.

How it began

Every crossdresser has their own story of how they started. Mine probably is similar to most.

When I was very young, I went sent off to grandmom's house frequently. Cheap child-care. When I was about 6 or 7, my sister and I started playing dress-up. Since my grandfather on that side of my family had passed away a few year earlier, there were no male clothes in the house. Not wanting to find other methods of keeping me busy, I was allowed to play along with my sister. It was cute for the first couple of times. However, when it was my other set of grandparents' turn to watch us, I still chose my grandmother's clothes. This is when I was told it wasn't cute anymore and was kept from playing that game. I continued however. I used to sneak back into their stuff when I thought I wouldn't be caught; which I did. Since I had limited time to engage in my activities, I stuck mostly to shoes.

When I finally was old enough to watch myself, I started getting bold. By this time, I had started finding items in my mom's drawer to borrow. When I was sent with my sisters to a grandparent's house, I would find excuses to be left at the house. Soon I figured that I had enough time to change in case they got home before they were due. I ventured out into clothing more. I loved the dresses. Pantyhose also held a fascination for me as well, however I never tried on those, because they could easily be ruined. I covered my tracks well enough, that I never was caught (weather they knew and never said anything, is beyond me). I remember one overnight visit, when I hid a control body briefer in my room. As soon as my grandmother went to sleep, I changed into it. I don't recall sleeping much, in fear of being caught.

Of course, all this did have a sexual effect on me. I was always turned on when I dressed. I believe it was mostly due to the raging hormones a teen aged boy goes through. When I was in high school, I convinced a girl friend at the time, it wasn't fair for her to borrow my T-shirts/sweatshirts and I get nothing in return. So I asked for old items of that she wouldn't miss, just to even out the borrowing. I received a pleated skirt which I fell in love with.

During college, there was almost zero chance of dressing. During this point in my life, I was involved in a Christian group as well, and did my best to put my dressing in my past. I did tell my girlfriend at the time, about my dressing but since I was conditioned to believe it wrong, I let her know it was behind me.

Post college, I spent one year living in my parent's basement until I paid off some debt and had enough cash saved up to get my own apartment. It was also my first time telling a girl that I wasn't dating about my dressing. Angelina (to avoid using her real name), helped me order items I was too scared to have delivered to my parent's house. We lived about 3 hours away from each other, and we met up a total of 3 times, 2 of which she got to meet Karen. We had talked about sharing an apartment together, but due to things I wish I could take back, we parted ways.

When I got my apartment, I continued to explore Karen from where Angelina left off. Mail orders were placed frequently and before I knew it, I had at least 3 outfits. I also started dating my wife, who I told after our 3 date. I wanted to get it out in the open quickly, so if there was a problem, we wouldn't be too deep into the relationship. There were many rocky places in our 6 years in regards to my dressing, but it appears that smoother waters are ahead of us.

Currently, I have probably over $4000US worth of clothes. 30+ pairs of shoes, 20+ dresses, many tops, many bottoms, and even a wig now. Enough stuff that Karen has her own closet in our new house. If we move again, it's been agreed that we need two walk-in closets.

A bit of background...

Greetings for reading. I wanted to take a post to fill you in on me.

There are probably lots of labels you can find, and their meanings, if you looked. Crossdresser... Transvestite... I could probably be put into a category if it helps you to understand. But with everything, change happens. The terms might be redefined, or my thoughts and feelings on a topic might alter from one day to the next.

What I do is simple. I dress and try to present myself as a woman in my part-time. Everyone will immediately have a different 'first question', so please read a bit to see if yours is answered. I'm not gay. I don't want to become a woman. I do it in the privacy of my own house.

When I dress, I take on a Karen mind-set. However, she's a part of me to begin with, the clothes just help me express her. I don't need to 'dress to the nines' to feel her either. Sometimes just slipping on a woman's T-shirt and jeans can bring her out. The important part of the process for me is.. the clothes.

I hope to post more, as there are a lot of topics that I can cover. I'd rather this post stay without details and to serve more as an introduction.

Welcome

This is my first post here on blogger. I used to keep a blog at livejournal, but this is much easier on me, plus I know a good friend here to start out with.

More to come later, including a 'about me' post.